Mahal kita Tol

Hello Caris! Gusto ko lang po sana ipagsigawan sa website niyo ang nararamdaman ko para sa bestfriend ko. Tawagin niyo nalang po ako sa pangalang utoy. Alam ko mawiwirduhan kayo sa aking mga pahayag tungkol sa aking pagkatao lalo na sa pagtingin ko sa aking bestfriend.

Simula pagkabata magkaibigan na po kami ni utol.  Di ko siguro mabilang yung mga masasaya at masasakit naming experience. Hindi din mawala-wala yung saya ng pagsasamahan namin bilang mag-utol.  Para nga kaming ilog at dagat na hindi mo pwedeng paghiwalayin. Kakaiba yung friendship namin kasi sa lugar namin kami yung mga matipuno at kilala bilang siga ng daan. Ang dami na nga naming binugbog sa lugar namin kaya ang tawag ng mga taga-doon sa amin sa amin ay “Mga Kilabot ng Sta. Ana”. Maniwala po kayo o sa hindi pero ganun po talaga.

Halos lahat ata ng mga gusto namin pareho kami. Mahilig kami sa basketball, maglaro ng video-games, magsolve ng mga puzzles at marami pang iba. Ganunpaman, merong isang bagay lang ang hindi kami magkapareho. Mahal niya ako bilang kaibigan, mahal ko siya bilang higit pa sa kaibigan.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit kay utol pa ako nainlove. Ang dami namang ibang lalaki na pwede kong mahalin pero bakit siya pa? Buti na nga lang hindi napapansin ni utol na may kakaiba sakin simula pagkabata palang. Dinadama ko kasi yung mga moment na nagkakashake hands kami, magkatabi kami at lalo na pag nagyayakapan kami pag nananalo kami sa liga.

May moment pa nga kami nung naisipan naming pumunta sa isang bar para gumimik. Libangan kasi namin na kumanta sa karaoke. Yung favorite ko nga kantahin dun ay yung “Paano na kaya” ni Bugoy. Syempre yung kaibigan ko very supportive yan sakin. Parang sira-ulo yan sa kakahiyaw pag ako na ang kumakanta. Pero ang hindi niya alam na sa bawat lyrics na isinasambit ko ay para sa kanya. Mahilig nga magtanong yun about sa lovelife ko pag nalalasing siya;

Utol: “Utoy (tawag niya sakin), pakilala mo naman sakin yang bebeloves mo!”
Utoy: Naku tol hindi pwede. Secret lang to pre wag kang ano.
*tapos biglang magbibiro si utol*
Utol: Baka ako yan ha.. Uupakan talaga kita
Utoy: Eh paano nga kung ikaw? Edi suntukan na to pre!? (tawa ng malakas)
Utol: Gago ka toy kadiri ka. Hampasin kita ng bote! (sabay tawa)
Utoy:  Gago ka din ano.. Naniwala ka naman pre!

Oh diba. Super awkward talaga ng conversation namin ni utol. Di ko nga alam kung naniniwala yun sa kasabihan na “Jokes are half meant” napakabobo talaga yung inutil na yun.

Halos anim na taon ko naring itinatago ang nararamdaman ko sa aking utol. Masakit at mahirap para sa aking part pero kailangan. Hindi naman ako pwede umamin kasi, for sure, masisira ang friendship namin. At isa pa galit na galit to sa mga tulad naming bakla, Kaya natatakot ako aminin sa kanya ang tunay na nararamdaman ko. Kaya ang ginagawa ko nalang po ay tinitibayan ko ang aking pagtayo bilang utol niya at kasangga sa mga trip niya. Ganun ko kamahal ang utol ko. Mas pipiliin ko pang  magpanggap at magtiis kaysa naman sa mawalan ako ng isang kaibigan na naging parte ng buhay ko. Higit pa sa buhay ko.                             

Mahal na mahal kita tol.

– Utoy

Photo Credits: ssufacultynews.org

Ang Labong Love ni Mama

Hello po Caris,

Share ko lang po sana experience ko sa “ANG LABONG LOVE” ni mama.. Love ko po ang mama ko at blessed naman po ako sa kanya. Siya ay responsable at mabait din naman po siya. Isang OFW po ang papa ko na siyang tumataguyod saming magkakapatid — lima po kami, apat yung babae, at ako po yung nag-iisang bunsong lalaki.

Kaya nasabi ko po na “ANG LABONG LOVE” ni mama kasi minsan., hindi ko po siya maintindihan pag pinapagalitan ako. Hindi na nga lang ako umiimik pag nagsesermon na siya na halos halos abutin na nga ng isang oras. Nakakalito po pag tinatanong niya ako ng pagalit.. “SUMAGOT KA, KINAKAUSAP KITA!” tapos syempre sasagot naman ako kasi tinatanong nga ako.. “MA , hindi naman po kasi…” tapos bigla nalang akong papaluin ng panghampas (weapon of choice kadalasan ni mama ay ang lumang walis sa bahay) sabay sabi “ABA’Y SUMASAGOT-SAGOT KA NG BATA KA” napakalabo talaga ng aking nanay.

May isang pangyayari nga po na inabot ako ng gabi dahil sa aking kakaresearch sa computer shop kasama ang mga classmate ko para sa group project namin. Dahil sa sobrang focus ko na matapos yung ginagawa namin, hindi ko po namalayan na alas nuebe na pala ng gabi. Nang aking chineck yung cp ko, nakita ko nalang na merong 20 missed calls ng mama ko. Binalot ng nerbyos at taranta ang aking buong katawan na halos maging dahilan para akoy mahimatay sa sobrang takot. Kasi kahit 18 na po ako, parang elementary parin yung trato sakin ng mama ko.

Ito po nangyari nung nakauwi na ako. Patay na po yung mga ilaw sa bahay nung dumating ako. Nagmukha akong magnanakaw sa sarili kong bahay sa kakayoko at kakatago kay mama nang biglang bumukas nalang ilaw sabay tama sakin ng lumilipad na tsinelas na galing sa aking magaling kong ina at biglang pasigaw na nagtanong, “AT BAKIT NGAYON KA LANG?” kinakaladkad ako na parang baboy papuntang kusina “PAANO KUNG NAPAG TRIPAN KA SA LABAS? Sabay kurot sa bewang “PAANO KUNG BINUGBOG KA LABAS NG MGA ADIK?” sabay palo sa paa ko, gamit yung pares ng tsinelas na binato niya sakin “PAANO KUNG SINAKTAN KA NILA? at  bigla nalang siyang tatahimik at palambing na magtatanong.. “Kumain ka na ba? May kanin pa dun sa mesa at may manok pa sa ref” Haaaayyy naku ! Ang labo talaga ni mama, ayaw niyang nasasaktan ako pero siya naman palo ng palo sakin. Pero kahit na ganun, siya parin ang pinakamalambing na mama ko sa buong mundo. I’m sorry ma kung di kita minsan maintindihan at sa pagiging pasaway ko, pero mahal po kita. At ito po ang experience ko sa “ANG LABONG LOVE” ni mama.

Submitted by: Bibi boy 
Arranged by: Emmanuel Pesado 

Cry When it Hurts

Many people complain saying, “Life is so unfair”. Life is FAIR I say, because it is unfair to everybody. All of us have that insufficiencies or maybe insecurities, we get to see from others things that we’ve always wanted to have, we all know that it hurts a lot.
I can define pain as a drastic feeling that triggers tears to come out and is sometimes uncontrollable. No one likes it! I reacted a lot, agreeing, to a punch line from a book entitled “The Fault In Our Stars” that says, “Pain demands to be felt”. I am 100% sure that no human has ever existed on earth that had not encountered or experienced pain or adversity.
Pain is supposed to be a momentary feeling yet it can last for a very long time when it’s not settled within us. It may in fact cause a mental disorder called Post-traumatic syndrome also known as Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is a problem of the inner-self, especially in the mind, of a person who underwent a terrifying event in the past and just negatively reacted to it long after. Unsettled pain may result to ignorance of the things happening around which is so dangerous.
According to researchers, a person with Post-traumatic stress disorder experiences severe anxiety, nightmares and frequent flashbacks about the event. The things they need to have are time and good self-care. But the question is, how can this be prevented?
For me it’s simple, just cry, cry when it hurts the most, cry when your heart cannot bear the pain any longer, cry and let go of the ache, cry and then accept the not-so-good happenings in the past.
Others may think that crying is for the weak ones, this I strongly disagree. Crying actually helps ease the pain, it lets you pour out all the disappointments, failures, rejections and hardships.

So if you are undergoing such difficult situation right now, having hard time to let go of the wrong decisions made in life and have all enough reasons to give up, think back the time you chose to be strong and why you stayed strong. Go through it and you’ll surely overcome it. You’ll become a better version of you, stronger than ever before. It’s okay to pause for a while and cry when it hurts.

Written by: Irish Alonzo
Photo Credit: Reference.com

1 Message Received

Alas-onse y meja na ng gabi. Rinig na rinig ko ang tunog ng bawat butil ng ulan sa bubungan na parang martilyo ng mga karpintero habang pumupukpok ng pako sa katabing bahay. Medyo inaantok na rin ako dala ng sunud-sunod na pagpupuyat dahil patapos na ang sem. Maya-maya’y naisipan kong makinig sa aking playlist para hindi makatulog. Di nagtagal ay tinamad na talaga ako, kaya nama’y unti-unti kong tinangkang isara ang aking mga mata, at nang halos nag-uumpisa na akong managinip, may kung anong nag-vibrate sa bandang ulunan ko. Cellphone ko pala. Habang inaabot ko ito’y hinihiling ko na sana nagtext siya ng “good night”, kahit sa GM man lang. Ganun ako kababaw. Pero sapat na ‘yon para makatulog ako ng mahimbing.

Mag-aapat na buwan na rin mula nang inamin ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin masabi kung maganda ba ang resulta ng ginawa ko. Hindi ko alam kung napalapit ba ako sa kanya o lalong napalayo. Pero kuntento na ako kung ano kami ngayon.

Mga dalawang linggo pagkatapos ng “aking pag-amin”, hiningi ko yung cellphone number niya. Pakapalan na ’yon ng mukha. Desperado na akong mas lalo siyang makilala. Siya nga pala, siya ang bestfriend ng close friend ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong nagustuhan ko sa kanya, pero kung ibabalik yung unang pagkakataon na nakilala ko siya, sasabihin kong siguro, mapang-akit lang talaga yung kakaiba niyang mga mata. Sabi pa ni Bruno Mars, “Her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shining”.

Alam niyo ba iyong hindi niyo alam na ‘yun na pala ‘yon? Siya kasi yung first crush ko sa college. At isang taon muna ang lumipas bago ko marealize na gusto ko pala talaga siya. Malas nalang niya, siya ang nakita ko. Over-reacting kasi akong tao. Masyadong madrama. Pero ang nakakatuwa doon, sa tuwing magdadrama ako, napipigilan niya. Nagmumukha tuloy akong sunud-sunuran na parang aso. Pero okay na rin. At least hindi ako nagiging malungkot.

Sa sobrang bait ko sa kanya, idinadownload ko siya ng mga movie minsan kapag may internet ako. Pagkatapos nun magmimeet kami para magpacopy. May time noon na hinintay ko siyang matapos yung klase nila. Mga ilang oras din ang nagdaan, habang naka-indian sit sa hallway, nakita ko siyang kasama yung isa niyang kaibigan na naglalakad papalapit. Grabe ang bilis ng kalabog ng dibdib ko nung mga oras na yun. Pero bigla nalang bumalik sa normal nung makita kong nilagpasan nila ako. Akala ko pupuntahan niya ako. Idinaan ko nalang sa pagpefacebook ang pagkabroken-hearted ko. Halos tutok na tutok ang mukha ko sa screen ng laptop ko, nang biglang may parang familiar na figure ng papalapit sa akin ang nagpatigil sa tibok ng puso ko; lumingon ako at nakita ko siya. Bumalik siya para sa’kin. Sa sobrang taranta, lumingon ako sa likuran para siguraduhing ako nga ang hinahanap niya. Ang awkward talaga.

“Steve, pacopy ako ng movies..”. Narinig ko siya pero hindi ako tumitingin. Hindi ko kaya. Ni hindi ko kayang mag-utter ng kahit anong salita. Isinalaksak ko yung flashdrive para magcopy ng file, sinafely remove, tapos diretsong ibinigay sa kanya. Aalis na sana siya nang mukhang tanga akong nagtanong, “Uuwi ka na?”. “Yeah, uuwi na ako. Salamat.” “Sige” – yan lang ang tanging nasabi ko. Kahit na sa utak ko, “HINTAYIN MO AKO. IHAHATID NA KITA.”. Napaka-slow ko na, ang weak pa. Hinintay ko siyang makalayo ng konti at dali-dali akong nag-ayos para masundan siya. Pero paglabas ko ng gate, wala na siya. Malayo na.

Sa loob ng apat na buwan marami-rami na rin ang mga nangyari. Doon ko rin napagtanto na mataas talaga ang self-confidence niya. Palagi niyang sinasabing cute siya. At nung tinanong ko kung bakit para mapatunayan niya, speechless ako nung sinabi na niyang, “kasi crush mo ako :P”. Simula noon palagi ko na siyang kinukulit tungkol diyan. Hanggang sa umabot sa “Ang ganda ng moon. Parang ikaw lang.”. Ang corny corny talaga pakinggan pero para sa akin, masaya na ako.

Di ko malilimutan yung moment na nakita ko siya kung paano matakot sa mga nakakatakot na bagay na para sa akin, hindi naman talaga. Tuwang-tuwa ako habang tinatakpan niya ang mga tenga niya para di niya marinig yung sounds. Hindi ako sigurado kung ako nga ba ang dahilan pero may gabi noon na tinatakot ko siya sa text, at hindi na siya nakatulog nang dahil doon.

Naabot ko rin ang cellphone ko na kanina ko pang kinakapa nang nakapikit. Medyo nayamot ako nang malaman kong hindi siya ang nagtext pero yung close friend ko. Sa hindi kapanipaniwalang pagkakataon, bigla akong nawalan ng hininga nang mabasa ko yung text niya: “Steve, patay na si Jenny. Sinaksak ng holdaper habang pauwi. Andito kami ngayon sa morgue ng St. Paul’s. Baka gusto mong pumunta. Textback please..”.

Patay na si Jenny. Patay na yung kaisa-isang taong kinahuhumalingan ko. Wala na. Dahil sa kapusukan ng aking pagkatao, at dahil na rin sa ito ang henerasyon kung saan ang crush ay parang love na rin, dali-dali kong kinuha ang matalim kong cutter sa aking cabinet, at hindi nagdalawang isip na laslasin ang pulso sa aking leeg. Alam ko kasing sigurado ang pagkamatay kung ganoon.

Alas-dose ng hatinggabi. Tumila na ang ulan. Pero dinig ko ang pagpatak ng aking dugo sa sahig.

Isinulat ni: Philip Gaje
Photo Credit: shemazing.net

A Gaze Through the Pain

I can still vividly remember his luscious smiles with braces on it and how it lightens up my gloomy face, those tantalizing eyes that means a lot whenever he stares at me, his snobbish attitude that attracts me even better, and those sweet gestures that made me fall for him even more. I shuddered in delight every time we’re together. I can feel the love and care in his arms, the joy that gave light to the dinginess of my life.

Those small talks we had always made my day complete. He gave meaning to my life and made feel complete amidst the numerous things I lack. I have learned to disregard my family. I seized every opportunity I had to be with even if it means disobeying my parents. It never
mattered what my parents would say, for I never listened. For me, what matters is the happiness I feel whenever I am with him, whenever I talk to him, whenever I laugh with him.

I was this stupid person who fell for a guy —the guy who showed me how love can be playful. I expected and assumed too much. He told me, he liked me, but I was just tricked by those sweet words and gestures of him. I was just played with and then thrown like a trash, saying “I don’t want you to expect too much”.

How will I not expect?

I was hurt; my heart was totally broken. The pain was too much to bear. It was uncontrollable. I did not know what to do. Because of too much pain, I let myself drown in liquor.

Soon enough, my body reached its limit. I can hardly breathe. I was trying to keep my eyes open as I was losing consciousness. All I can see is him standing in front of me.

I woke up at the hospital. As I opened my eyes there stood beside my bed are my parents. I am too ashamed to face them, to talk to them. All I can think about is how I disobeyed them, disappointed them, how I greatly destroyed their trust.

I’m still too immature. I promised myself that I’ll never fall to the wrong person again. I’ve learmed not to expect too much out of sweet words and gestures. I’ll never enter in a serious relationship unless I’m ready and mature enough to handle things.

Written by: Marydel Mitch Flores
Photo Credit: Mac Simbajon

A bit of Love

That moment I laid my eyes on you was the moment I knew would change my life. When you loomed in front of me, leered, smiled and held my hand… I felt the spark. When you said “hi” and I said “hello” was the start of our quixotic love story. When you asked my favorite color I knew you would paint my world. When you showed me the real you, you allowed me to enter into your life.

Firsts would always be superb and endings would often be heart-rending. Reality might be excruciating but somehow it taught me lessons.

(A moment of silence)…

As I was flipping the pages of your book I noticed some missing folios…I was there to fill your emptiness. I was the one who wrote the most exciting part of your life. I was there during your downcast. I was there holding on, even though there were a lot of antagonist in this story…but you weren’t there after all.

I was once in love with a coward…

You showed me the realm of love. You exposed me to notions of fantasies, how enchanting it was to be in love, you filled my world with sweet-smelling words… …

‘twas indeed a very nice journey. But like how you suddenly appeared into my life was how you instantly disappeared as well.

(Sigh)…

Remember that one dusky evening, I was there standing in front of you under the dainty moon. I will never forget how romantic it was; how you gazed at me, how you held my hand like the first time we met, how you kissed me on the forehead, how you slowly touched my hair and…

… how you run away when I said those three words and eight letters to you.

I was left there startled in despair as I watched you slowly vanishing away. ‘twas the most romantic night yet the most throbbing moment as well.

Again…

That moment I laid my eyes on you was the moment I knew would change my life. You turned those blissful thoughts to dreariness.

When you loomed in front of me, leered, smiled and held my hand… I felt the spark. Those sparks that killed me…

When you said “hi” and I said “hello” was the start of our quixotic love story. A delusion of what I thought it could be.

When you asked my favorite color I knew you would paint my world. And so you swathed my world with murkiness.

When you showed me the real you, you allowed me to enter into your life. But you pushed me out right away.

That moment… The moment when I first met you, I knew you would slay my heart and I should’ve saved my heart for someone worth dying for.

Written by: Marydel Mitch Flores

The Bitter Truth: Why does everyone hate Valentine’s Day

Why does it seems like all single folks hate Valentine’s Day? Why does every time Valentine’s day is fast approaching you’ll hear a lot of rants from bitter people?  This seems to be a growing trend nowadays most especially to the younger generation. But I wonder what makes it different from any other occasions like Christmas, New year or Thanksgiving? Where in fact it’s just a day meant to bring you closer to your loved ones.

Valentine’s Day is actually a day of love but this is not only for couples. Instead of being a day of love, this has become a day for single folks to grumble about how frustrated and lonely they are.

First of all, there are actually a lot of reason to be happy of rather than being jealous or discouraged about celebrating Valentine’s Day as single. Single folks out there have absolutely no reason to be bitter on that day or any other day because you are indeed loved by your family and friends so better stop the pity party. You may not have a perfect Facebook or Instagram- worthy relationship but I know for sure you have your family and friends with you, who loves you better than the love you’re looking for.

Why not just think of all the things people in a relationships deal with every day. Would you enjoy ditching your friends for your significant other? Would you want to take a four hour fight just because you did not immediately reply on his/her message? Would you like the feeling the need to constantly attached to your phone so you can update someone’s every move? or would you just stay calm and wait for God’s perfect time because he’s still busy writing the best love story you’ve been yearning for?

There is more to life than to be in a relationship right now.  So, instead of posting rants on Facebook about your nonexistent love life which is actually yet to come, why not just celebrate Valentine’s Day to show to your family and friends how much they mean to you.

Self pity, frustrations and acrimony is not the right attitude that you should acquire. Beautiful things happen when you distant yourself form negative vibes, it wouldn’t help you anyway. Just surround yourself with happy thoughts and be happy for those people around you.

Rather than complaining about not having a date on valentine’s Day, just think of the element of social obligation to it that can cause a little stress to couples.

First, they need to buy gifts, make reservations then end up trying to enjoy meal at an overcrowded restaurant. While if you’re single, you have nothing to worry about. You could just enjoy watching your favorite TV shows or movies, you could just sit all day and enjoy your coffee while reading your favorite book.  There’s no sense in being upset about being single; it probably won’t last forever.

Complaining about being single shows that you’re placing too much of your happiness in being a relationship. Lewis once said “Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” Being bitter just because you’re single shows that you should learn to realign your priorities in life.

You should never rely your happiness on relationships, instead focus that happiness to Jesus. Keep your eyes on Jesus because he never lost sight of where he was headed. His love is greater than your junk.

You don’t need to rush things looking for a perfect match. Enjoy being single because when the perfect time comes you’ll surely miss everything about it. So, better not be bitter on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Think of the sweeter side rather than the bitter one. Time will surely come when you no longer need to worry about Valentine’s Day but for now, enjoy it and be happy for other people.