Stuck in Love

Stuck between past and present. I was quite sitting along the seaside watching the waves broke and spread their waters swiftly over the shore. I noticed that the waves fell; withdrew and fell again, like my feelings for you.  I fell, like how the leaves from those trees easily fall when a sudden wind blows cold. I withdrew, like when I suddenly fall asleep on a winter day and withdrew my awareness from its hypnotic fascination with physical sensation, thereby allowing me to wake up and stand from whatever foolishness I feel for you. Yet, here I am again falling, like how  a gravity pulls back things I already throw.

Remember…

I wrote our names on the sand but what if the shore will be washed by the waves?

I wrote our names on the trees but what if tress will be cut?

I wrote our names on benches but what if benches will be painted?

Yet… I will  never get tired and will still be writing our names because in this world of ephemera, You and I are the only constant…

Well, that was when I thought we really are.. But I was wrong..

And as I was sitting there alone, thinking about past, someone strode to my life and suddenly handed me his hand. An act of saying “stand up. cheer up. I’m here to unlock you from being imprisoned.”

I have doubts yet one must release the grime built up inside to free their emotions like the ocean. I wanted to flee these wings and fly like there’s no tomorrow. I wanted to free myself from this caged I have been in, since the day I met my past. I wanted to run away and never comes back.

All I ever did was to wait.  I was caged by my own feelings and waited for someone to unlocked me. I waited for someone I don’t have any assurance of. I waited for someone I thought would come back for me.

And as I was waiting , I’d never thought someone would dare to walked in to my fed-up life . Someone once again give color to the griminess of my life. I wasn’t exactly sure if my heart is in good condition now, but all I know is that…

I am happy…


Not until  past came again…

Memories keep  hunting me…

Once again you strode into my life. But this time I can see regret and sincerity in your eyes. You held my hand as you were begging for me to come back.

“Why now?”

That was the only question I wanted you to answer straight to my eyes but you can’t even answer me directly.

Why?

I have a lot of “Why’s?” now in life

And now it made me wonder..

that  even nature; those restless waves, irregular trees and stars all out of line show that chaos can be beautiful.

And yes. You were that beautiful chaos I ever had. But you are no longer that someone I would dare to give my heart back.

……

Thus, this is the day I forgive my past and close my eyes. ..

I can hear a river flowing inside me again, those waves of the ocean hitting my soul once again and indeed the sun shines, lightning up my darkness nights.

Written by: Marydel Mitch Flores
Photo Credit: hqpictures.net

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Someone’s Always Saying Goodbye

I was lying on my bed , staring at the ceiling one night when I suddenly caught myself asking this question “why do people fall in love and they end up crying?”

Suddenly as I closed my eyes, I saw a vision of woman …

She wasn’t really all set when she met her waterloo. She was heading to his direction with her bare feet, didn’t notice the thorns she stepped on. Her feet was covered with blood yet she still managed to smile and endured the pain just to draw closer to him.

’twas when she entered into the realm of love and end up crying one’s eyes out..

I saw her tears falling on  her cheeks as she was begging for his love to stay.

Again , I swiftly caught myself asking this question ” Why do lovers walk away from themselves when their hearts are breaking?”

They have been down in the dumps with each other’s arms and their only solution to end the heartache was to walk away from each other’s lives.

And while she was walking at a snail’s pace, she can’t help herself to look back and weep in despair as she saw everything vanished into thin air…

So, it made me wonder “Why does loving sometimes never stay long?” how was that easy for them to break and leave what they build for such a long time?

And as my thoughts were playing in the back of my head I saw the woman once again wiping her tears, but this time.. fiercer.

’twas when she realized a genuine love dwell and the phoney one never stay long. If it is love, it will never leave you like how he (Jesus) loves you despite of how ghastly your past was.

And for the last time I marveled,  “why does gladness suddenly become sadness?”

Their happiness turned out to misery. Easily turned down by the promises they made. And her only solution to sorrow was to accept the pain.

Pain that indeed demands to be felt and sadness that needs to be  experienced. For it is where you’re going to acquire courage in your future’s endeavor.

Someone’s always saying goodbye and someone will always be saying goodbye because changes indeed occur in any matter. It is like the law of entropy, where the tendency of all things on this  earth is to disintegrate.

I gradually opened my eyes and noticed that I am now back to reality…

People are fond of fairy tale expectations and when their fairy tale visions fall apart, they are no longer strong enough to accept it.  Love is complex and only two persons who is strong enough to endure the struggle are worth to love and be loved. Love is the greatest adventure and the best thing to hold onto in life is each other.

I may have a lot of questions about love, I may be wondering why all those shits happen. But I know, in time those questions will be answered, lessons too will be learned.

Written by: Marydel Mitch Flores
Photo Credit: ihdimages.com

Mahal kita Tol

Hello Caris! Gusto ko lang po sana ipagsigawan sa website niyo ang nararamdaman ko para sa bestfriend ko. Tawagin niyo nalang po ako sa pangalang utoy. Alam ko mawiwirduhan kayo sa aking mga pahayag tungkol sa aking pagkatao lalo na sa pagtingin ko sa aking bestfriend.

Simula pagkabata magkaibigan na po kami ni utol.  Di ko siguro mabilang yung mga masasaya at masasakit naming experience. Hindi din mawala-wala yung saya ng pagsasamahan namin bilang mag-utol.  Para nga kaming ilog at dagat na hindi mo pwedeng paghiwalayin. Kakaiba yung friendship namin kasi sa lugar namin kami yung mga matipuno at kilala bilang siga ng daan. Ang dami na nga naming binugbog sa lugar namin kaya ang tawag ng mga taga-doon sa amin sa amin ay “Mga Kilabot ng Sta. Ana”. Maniwala po kayo o sa hindi pero ganun po talaga.

Halos lahat ata ng mga gusto namin pareho kami. Mahilig kami sa basketball, maglaro ng video-games, magsolve ng mga puzzles at marami pang iba. Ganunpaman, merong isang bagay lang ang hindi kami magkapareho. Mahal niya ako bilang kaibigan, mahal ko siya bilang higit pa sa kaibigan.

Ewan ko ba kung bakit kay utol pa ako nainlove. Ang dami namang ibang lalaki na pwede kong mahalin pero bakit siya pa? Buti na nga lang hindi napapansin ni utol na may kakaiba sakin simula pagkabata palang. Dinadama ko kasi yung mga moment na nagkakashake hands kami, magkatabi kami at lalo na pag nagyayakapan kami pag nananalo kami sa liga.

May moment pa nga kami nung naisipan naming pumunta sa isang bar para gumimik. Libangan kasi namin na kumanta sa karaoke. Yung favorite ko nga kantahin dun ay yung “Paano na kaya” ni Bugoy. Syempre yung kaibigan ko very supportive yan sakin. Parang sira-ulo yan sa kakahiyaw pag ako na ang kumakanta. Pero ang hindi niya alam na sa bawat lyrics na isinasambit ko ay para sa kanya. Mahilig nga magtanong yun about sa lovelife ko pag nalalasing siya;

Utol: “Utoy (tawag niya sakin), pakilala mo naman sakin yang bebeloves mo!”
Utoy: Naku tol hindi pwede. Secret lang to pre wag kang ano.
*tapos biglang magbibiro si utol*
Utol: Baka ako yan ha.. Uupakan talaga kita
Utoy: Eh paano nga kung ikaw? Edi suntukan na to pre!? (tawa ng malakas)
Utol: Gago ka toy kadiri ka. Hampasin kita ng bote! (sabay tawa)
Utoy:  Gago ka din ano.. Naniwala ka naman pre!

Oh diba. Super awkward talaga ng conversation namin ni utol. Di ko nga alam kung naniniwala yun sa kasabihan na “Jokes are half meant” napakabobo talaga yung inutil na yun.

Halos anim na taon ko naring itinatago ang nararamdaman ko sa aking utol. Masakit at mahirap para sa aking part pero kailangan. Hindi naman ako pwede umamin kasi, for sure, masisira ang friendship namin. At isa pa galit na galit to sa mga tulad naming bakla, Kaya natatakot ako aminin sa kanya ang tunay na nararamdaman ko. Kaya ang ginagawa ko nalang po ay tinitibayan ko ang aking pagtayo bilang utol niya at kasangga sa mga trip niya. Ganun ko kamahal ang utol ko. Mas pipiliin ko pang  magpanggap at magtiis kaysa naman sa mawalan ako ng isang kaibigan na naging parte ng buhay ko. Higit pa sa buhay ko.                             

Mahal na mahal kita tol.

– Utoy

Photo Credits: ssufacultynews.org

Ang Labong Love ni Mama

Hello po Caris,

Share ko lang po sana experience ko sa “ANG LABONG LOVE” ni mama.. Love ko po ang mama ko at blessed naman po ako sa kanya. Siya ay responsable at mabait din naman po siya. Isang OFW po ang papa ko na siyang tumataguyod saming magkakapatid — lima po kami, apat yung babae, at ako po yung nag-iisang bunsong lalaki.

Kaya nasabi ko po na “ANG LABONG LOVE” ni mama kasi minsan., hindi ko po siya maintindihan pag pinapagalitan ako. Hindi na nga lang ako umiimik pag nagsesermon na siya na halos halos abutin na nga ng isang oras. Nakakalito po pag tinatanong niya ako ng pagalit.. “SUMAGOT KA, KINAKAUSAP KITA!” tapos syempre sasagot naman ako kasi tinatanong nga ako.. “MA , hindi naman po kasi…” tapos bigla nalang akong papaluin ng panghampas (weapon of choice kadalasan ni mama ay ang lumang walis sa bahay) sabay sabi “ABA’Y SUMASAGOT-SAGOT KA NG BATA KA” napakalabo talaga ng aking nanay.

May isang pangyayari nga po na inabot ako ng gabi dahil sa aking kakaresearch sa computer shop kasama ang mga classmate ko para sa group project namin. Dahil sa sobrang focus ko na matapos yung ginagawa namin, hindi ko po namalayan na alas nuebe na pala ng gabi. Nang aking chineck yung cp ko, nakita ko nalang na merong 20 missed calls ng mama ko. Binalot ng nerbyos at taranta ang aking buong katawan na halos maging dahilan para akoy mahimatay sa sobrang takot. Kasi kahit 18 na po ako, parang elementary parin yung trato sakin ng mama ko.

Ito po nangyari nung nakauwi na ako. Patay na po yung mga ilaw sa bahay nung dumating ako. Nagmukha akong magnanakaw sa sarili kong bahay sa kakayoko at kakatago kay mama nang biglang bumukas nalang ilaw sabay tama sakin ng lumilipad na tsinelas na galing sa aking magaling kong ina at biglang pasigaw na nagtanong, “AT BAKIT NGAYON KA LANG?” kinakaladkad ako na parang baboy papuntang kusina “PAANO KUNG NAPAG TRIPAN KA SA LABAS? Sabay kurot sa bewang “PAANO KUNG BINUGBOG KA LABAS NG MGA ADIK?” sabay palo sa paa ko, gamit yung pares ng tsinelas na binato niya sakin “PAANO KUNG SINAKTAN KA NILA? at  bigla nalang siyang tatahimik at palambing na magtatanong.. “Kumain ka na ba? May kanin pa dun sa mesa at may manok pa sa ref” Haaaayyy naku ! Ang labo talaga ni mama, ayaw niyang nasasaktan ako pero siya naman palo ng palo sakin. Pero kahit na ganun, siya parin ang pinakamalambing na mama ko sa buong mundo. I’m sorry ma kung di kita minsan maintindihan at sa pagiging pasaway ko, pero mahal po kita. At ito po ang experience ko sa “ANG LABONG LOVE” ni mama.

Submitted by: Bibi boy 
Arranged by: Emmanuel Pesado 

Cry When it Hurts

Many people complain saying, “Life is so unfair”. Life is FAIR I say, because it is unfair to everybody. All of us have that insufficiencies or maybe insecurities, we get to see from others things that we’ve always wanted to have, we all know that it hurts a lot.
I can define pain as a drastic feeling that triggers tears to come out and is sometimes uncontrollable. No one likes it! I reacted a lot, agreeing, to a punch line from a book entitled “The Fault In Our Stars” that says, “Pain demands to be felt”. I am 100% sure that no human has ever existed on earth that had not encountered or experienced pain or adversity.
Pain is supposed to be a momentary feeling yet it can last for a very long time when it’s not settled within us. It may in fact cause a mental disorder called Post-traumatic syndrome also known as Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is a problem of the inner-self, especially in the mind, of a person who underwent a terrifying event in the past and just negatively reacted to it long after. Unsettled pain may result to ignorance of the things happening around which is so dangerous.
According to researchers, a person with Post-traumatic stress disorder experiences severe anxiety, nightmares and frequent flashbacks about the event. The things they need to have are time and good self-care. But the question is, how can this be prevented?
For me it’s simple, just cry, cry when it hurts the most, cry when your heart cannot bear the pain any longer, cry and let go of the ache, cry and then accept the not-so-good happenings in the past.
Others may think that crying is for the weak ones, this I strongly disagree. Crying actually helps ease the pain, it lets you pour out all the disappointments, failures, rejections and hardships.

So if you are undergoing such difficult situation right now, having hard time to let go of the wrong decisions made in life and have all enough reasons to give up, think back the time you chose to be strong and why you stayed strong. Go through it and you’ll surely overcome it. You’ll become a better version of you, stronger than ever before. It’s okay to pause for a while and cry when it hurts.

Written by: Irish Alonzo
Photo Credit: Reference.com

1 Message Received

Alas-onse y meja na ng gabi. Rinig na rinig ko ang tunog ng bawat butil ng ulan sa bubungan na parang martilyo ng mga karpintero habang pumupukpok ng pako sa katabing bahay. Medyo inaantok na rin ako dala ng sunud-sunod na pagpupuyat dahil patapos na ang sem. Maya-maya’y naisipan kong makinig sa aking playlist para hindi makatulog. Di nagtagal ay tinamad na talaga ako, kaya nama’y unti-unti kong tinangkang isara ang aking mga mata, at nang halos nag-uumpisa na akong managinip, may kung anong nag-vibrate sa bandang ulunan ko. Cellphone ko pala. Habang inaabot ko ito’y hinihiling ko na sana nagtext siya ng “good night”, kahit sa GM man lang. Ganun ako kababaw. Pero sapat na ‘yon para makatulog ako ng mahimbing.

Mag-aapat na buwan na rin mula nang inamin ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin masabi kung maganda ba ang resulta ng ginawa ko. Hindi ko alam kung napalapit ba ako sa kanya o lalong napalayo. Pero kuntento na ako kung ano kami ngayon.

Mga dalawang linggo pagkatapos ng “aking pag-amin”, hiningi ko yung cellphone number niya. Pakapalan na ’yon ng mukha. Desperado na akong mas lalo siyang makilala. Siya nga pala, siya ang bestfriend ng close friend ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong nagustuhan ko sa kanya, pero kung ibabalik yung unang pagkakataon na nakilala ko siya, sasabihin kong siguro, mapang-akit lang talaga yung kakaiba niyang mga mata. Sabi pa ni Bruno Mars, “Her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shining”.

Alam niyo ba iyong hindi niyo alam na ‘yun na pala ‘yon? Siya kasi yung first crush ko sa college. At isang taon muna ang lumipas bago ko marealize na gusto ko pala talaga siya. Malas nalang niya, siya ang nakita ko. Over-reacting kasi akong tao. Masyadong madrama. Pero ang nakakatuwa doon, sa tuwing magdadrama ako, napipigilan niya. Nagmumukha tuloy akong sunud-sunuran na parang aso. Pero okay na rin. At least hindi ako nagiging malungkot.

Sa sobrang bait ko sa kanya, idinadownload ko siya ng mga movie minsan kapag may internet ako. Pagkatapos nun magmimeet kami para magpacopy. May time noon na hinintay ko siyang matapos yung klase nila. Mga ilang oras din ang nagdaan, habang naka-indian sit sa hallway, nakita ko siyang kasama yung isa niyang kaibigan na naglalakad papalapit. Grabe ang bilis ng kalabog ng dibdib ko nung mga oras na yun. Pero bigla nalang bumalik sa normal nung makita kong nilagpasan nila ako. Akala ko pupuntahan niya ako. Idinaan ko nalang sa pagpefacebook ang pagkabroken-hearted ko. Halos tutok na tutok ang mukha ko sa screen ng laptop ko, nang biglang may parang familiar na figure ng papalapit sa akin ang nagpatigil sa tibok ng puso ko; lumingon ako at nakita ko siya. Bumalik siya para sa’kin. Sa sobrang taranta, lumingon ako sa likuran para siguraduhing ako nga ang hinahanap niya. Ang awkward talaga.

“Steve, pacopy ako ng movies..”. Narinig ko siya pero hindi ako tumitingin. Hindi ko kaya. Ni hindi ko kayang mag-utter ng kahit anong salita. Isinalaksak ko yung flashdrive para magcopy ng file, sinafely remove, tapos diretsong ibinigay sa kanya. Aalis na sana siya nang mukhang tanga akong nagtanong, “Uuwi ka na?”. “Yeah, uuwi na ako. Salamat.” “Sige” – yan lang ang tanging nasabi ko. Kahit na sa utak ko, “HINTAYIN MO AKO. IHAHATID NA KITA.”. Napaka-slow ko na, ang weak pa. Hinintay ko siyang makalayo ng konti at dali-dali akong nag-ayos para masundan siya. Pero paglabas ko ng gate, wala na siya. Malayo na.

Sa loob ng apat na buwan marami-rami na rin ang mga nangyari. Doon ko rin napagtanto na mataas talaga ang self-confidence niya. Palagi niyang sinasabing cute siya. At nung tinanong ko kung bakit para mapatunayan niya, speechless ako nung sinabi na niyang, “kasi crush mo ako :P”. Simula noon palagi ko na siyang kinukulit tungkol diyan. Hanggang sa umabot sa “Ang ganda ng moon. Parang ikaw lang.”. Ang corny corny talaga pakinggan pero para sa akin, masaya na ako.

Di ko malilimutan yung moment na nakita ko siya kung paano matakot sa mga nakakatakot na bagay na para sa akin, hindi naman talaga. Tuwang-tuwa ako habang tinatakpan niya ang mga tenga niya para di niya marinig yung sounds. Hindi ako sigurado kung ako nga ba ang dahilan pero may gabi noon na tinatakot ko siya sa text, at hindi na siya nakatulog nang dahil doon.

Naabot ko rin ang cellphone ko na kanina ko pang kinakapa nang nakapikit. Medyo nayamot ako nang malaman kong hindi siya ang nagtext pero yung close friend ko. Sa hindi kapanipaniwalang pagkakataon, bigla akong nawalan ng hininga nang mabasa ko yung text niya: “Steve, patay na si Jenny. Sinaksak ng holdaper habang pauwi. Andito kami ngayon sa morgue ng St. Paul’s. Baka gusto mong pumunta. Textback please..”.

Patay na si Jenny. Patay na yung kaisa-isang taong kinahuhumalingan ko. Wala na. Dahil sa kapusukan ng aking pagkatao, at dahil na rin sa ito ang henerasyon kung saan ang crush ay parang love na rin, dali-dali kong kinuha ang matalim kong cutter sa aking cabinet, at hindi nagdalawang isip na laslasin ang pulso sa aking leeg. Alam ko kasing sigurado ang pagkamatay kung ganoon.

Alas-dose ng hatinggabi. Tumila na ang ulan. Pero dinig ko ang pagpatak ng aking dugo sa sahig.

Isinulat ni: Philip Gaje
Photo Credit: shemazing.net

A Gaze Through the Pain

I can still vividly remember his luscious smiles with braces on it and how it lightens up my gloomy face, those tantalizing eyes that means a lot whenever he stares at me, his snobbish attitude that attracts me even better, and those sweet gestures that made me fall for him even more. I shuddered in delight every time we’re together. I can feel the love and care in his arms, the joy that gave light to the dinginess of my life.

Those small talks we had always made my day complete. He gave meaning to my life and made feel complete amidst the numerous things I lack. I have learned to disregard my family. I seized every opportunity I had to be with even if it means disobeying my parents. It never
mattered what my parents would say, for I never listened. For me, what matters is the happiness I feel whenever I am with him, whenever I talk to him, whenever I laugh with him.

I was this stupid person who fell for a guy —the guy who showed me how love can be playful. I expected and assumed too much. He told me, he liked me, but I was just tricked by those sweet words and gestures of him. I was just played with and then thrown like a trash, saying “I don’t want you to expect too much”.

How will I not expect?

I was hurt; my heart was totally broken. The pain was too much to bear. It was uncontrollable. I did not know what to do. Because of too much pain, I let myself drown in liquor.

Soon enough, my body reached its limit. I can hardly breathe. I was trying to keep my eyes open as I was losing consciousness. All I can see is him standing in front of me.

I woke up at the hospital. As I opened my eyes there stood beside my bed are my parents. I am too ashamed to face them, to talk to them. All I can think about is how I disobeyed them, disappointed them, how I greatly destroyed their trust.

I’m still too immature. I promised myself that I’ll never fall to the wrong person again. I’ve learmed not to expect too much out of sweet words and gestures. I’ll never enter in a serious relationship unless I’m ready and mature enough to handle things.

Written by: Marydel Mitch Flores
Photo Credit: Mac Simbajon

The Reason Behind Her Smile

The reason behind her smile is what makes my mind busy. I mean who can’t stand a smile coming from a beautiful lady?

Of all the things she wears, stylistic dress or dangling accessories, nothing beats the smile she has when she looks at me.

I gave her a gift and flowers in different hues. We drove to parks and strolled the beach to forget the blues. When the sun came down, I walked with her to their home and when we reached the porch, I looked at her face and felt the love like a burning torch.

Before I go, I took her hand and asked her a question. “It’s late but would you tell me who’s behind those smiles of yours?”

Her cheeks turned red, and her hands gone warm. I was holding my breath, she whispered, “it is you of course!” That moment, how I wish I could stop the time.

Written by: Edward Vincent “Wa Do” Canaya
Photo Credit: Mac Simbajon 

I’m in love with the Ghost.

I know it may sound weird, but there’s a strange feeling inside of me, it’s so difficult to explain. I know you wouldn’t  believe me but I think I’m in love with someone uncommon and unseen. Scary right? Maybe you’re starting to think that I’m crazy. I guess I will have to tell you, since this makes you a bit curious. This is how I fell in love.

When I decided to live in a historic village of Macopa, I rented an old apartment. It was the only place I can afford, sad right? Well, I’d rather live in a place like that than to live in a place where no true friends are found. And so I want to provide myself a place where I can be at peace.

If a drug addict needs to be rehabilitated, well a broken hearted man, like me, also need time to be alone, to do some fixing in the mind and heart. It’s been 7 years since my heart broke, like a glass shattered into pieces. All the pain I’ve been through, I was fed up with lies and it’s impossible to bring back the trust that was once built strongly.

Finding myself alone in a four-cornered room, only then, I started to realize some things and slowly everything seemed clear to me now. Nevertheless, amidst of my loneliness in this solemn place. Suddenly, something supernatural happened. The place went colder and colder and I heard a sweet whisper but I’m sure I was alone.  

Was it a ghost? She often visits me at night when I’m asleep. I can sense her. She used to sing me lullabies . She does everything to make me feel I wasn’t alone. It startled me most of the time.

She never left me and that’s what I love about her. Though her presence was there, I was ignoring her. If only she was true and alive, I will never miss a chance to be with her.

By the time I leave this place, I will bring with me all the good memories I had with her. This is the reality that I will have to face but now is different, I am a better person now, I’ve learned to be strong and fearless. I’m gonna miss her so much. I love you.. Mom.  

Written by: Cladgedon M. Argawanon
Photo Credit: Mac Simbajon