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Alas-onse y meja na ng gabi. Rinig na rinig ko ang tunog ng bawat butil ng ulan sa bubungan na parang martilyo ng mga karpintero habang pumupukpok ng pako sa katabing bahay. Medyo inaantok na rin ako dala ng sunud-sunod na pagpupuyat dahil patapos na ang sem. Maya-maya’y naisipan kong makinig sa aking playlist para hindi makatulog. Di nagtagal ay tinamad na talaga ako, kaya nama’y unti-unti kong tinangkang isara ang aking mga mata, at nang halos nag-uumpisa na akong managinip, may kung anong nag-vibrate sa bandang ulunan ko. Cellphone ko pala. Habang inaabot ko ito’y hinihiling ko na sana nagtext siya ng “good night”, kahit sa GM man lang. Ganun ako kababaw. Pero sapat na ‘yon para makatulog ako ng mahimbing.

Mag-aapat na buwan na rin mula nang inamin ko ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin masabi kung maganda ba ang resulta ng ginawa ko. Hindi ko alam kung napalapit ba ako sa kanya o lalong napalayo. Pero kuntento na ako kung ano kami ngayon.

Mga dalawang linggo pagkatapos ng “aking pag-amin”, hiningi ko yung cellphone number niya. Pakapalan na ’yon ng mukha. Desperado na akong mas lalo siyang makilala. Siya nga pala, siya ang bestfriend ng close friend ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong nagustuhan ko sa kanya, pero kung ibabalik yung unang pagkakataon na nakilala ko siya, sasabihin kong siguro, mapang-akit lang talaga yung kakaiba niyang mga mata. Sabi pa ni Bruno Mars, “Her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shining”.

Alam niyo ba iyong hindi niyo alam na ‘yun na pala ‘yon? Siya kasi yung first crush ko sa college. At isang taon muna ang lumipas bago ko marealize na gusto ko pala talaga siya. Malas nalang niya, siya ang nakita ko. Over-reacting kasi akong tao. Masyadong madrama. Pero ang nakakatuwa doon, sa tuwing magdadrama ako, napipigilan niya. Nagmumukha tuloy akong sunud-sunuran na parang aso. Pero okay na rin. At least hindi ako nagiging malungkot.

Sa sobrang bait ko sa kanya, idinadownload ko siya ng mga movie minsan kapag may internet ako. Pagkatapos nun magmimeet kami para magpacopy. May time noon na hinintay ko siyang matapos yung klase nila. Mga ilang oras din ang nagdaan, habang naka-indian sit sa hallway, nakita ko siyang kasama yung isa niyang kaibigan na naglalakad papalapit. Grabe ang bilis ng kalabog ng dibdib ko nung mga oras na yun. Pero bigla nalang bumalik sa normal nung makita kong nilagpasan nila ako. Akala ko pupuntahan niya ako. Idinaan ko nalang sa pagpefacebook ang pagkabroken-hearted ko. Halos tutok na tutok ang mukha ko sa screen ng laptop ko, nang biglang may parang familiar na figure ng papalapit sa akin ang nagpatigil sa tibok ng puso ko; lumingon ako at nakita ko siya. Bumalik siya para sa’kin. Sa sobrang taranta, lumingon ako sa likuran para siguraduhing ako nga ang hinahanap niya. Ang awkward talaga.

“Steve, pacopy ako ng movies..”. Narinig ko siya pero hindi ako tumitingin. Hindi ko kaya. Ni hindi ko kayang mag-utter ng kahit anong salita. Isinalaksak ko yung flashdrive para magcopy ng file, sinafely remove, tapos diretsong ibinigay sa kanya. Aalis na sana siya nang mukhang tanga akong nagtanong, “Uuwi ka na?”. “Yeah, uuwi na ako. Salamat.” “Sige” – yan lang ang tanging nasabi ko. Kahit na sa utak ko, “HINTAYIN MO AKO. IHAHATID NA KITA.”. Napaka-slow ko na, ang weak pa. Hinintay ko siyang makalayo ng konti at dali-dali akong nag-ayos para masundan siya. Pero paglabas ko ng gate, wala na siya. Malayo na.

Sa loob ng apat na buwan marami-rami na rin ang mga nangyari. Doon ko rin napagtanto na mataas talaga ang self-confidence niya. Palagi niyang sinasabing cute siya. At nung tinanong ko kung bakit para mapatunayan niya, speechless ako nung sinabi na niyang, “kasi crush mo ako :P”. Simula noon palagi ko na siyang kinukulit tungkol diyan. Hanggang sa umabot sa “Ang ganda ng moon. Parang ikaw lang.”. Ang corny corny talaga pakinggan pero para sa akin, masaya na ako.

Di ko malilimutan yung moment na nakita ko siya kung paano matakot sa mga nakakatakot na bagay na para sa akin, hindi naman talaga. Tuwang-tuwa ako habang tinatakpan niya ang mga tenga niya para di niya marinig yung sounds. Hindi ako sigurado kung ako nga ba ang dahilan pero may gabi noon na tinatakot ko siya sa text, at hindi na siya nakatulog nang dahil doon.

Naabot ko rin ang cellphone ko na kanina ko pang kinakapa nang nakapikit. Medyo nayamot ako nang malaman kong hindi siya ang nagtext pero yung close friend ko. Sa hindi kapanipaniwalang pagkakataon, bigla akong nawalan ng hininga nang mabasa ko yung text niya: “Steve, patay na si Jenny. Sinaksak ng holdaper habang pauwi. Andito kami ngayon sa morgue ng St. Paul’s. Baka gusto mong pumunta. Textback please..”.

Patay na si Jenny. Patay na yung kaisa-isang taong kinahuhumalingan ko. Wala na. Dahil sa kapusukan ng aking pagkatao, at dahil na rin sa ito ang henerasyon kung saan ang crush ay parang love na rin, dali-dali kong kinuha ang matalim kong cutter sa aking cabinet, at hindi nagdalawang isip na laslasin ang pulso sa aking leeg. Alam ko kasing sigurado ang pagkamatay kung ganoon.

Alas-dose ng hatinggabi. Tumila na ang ulan. Pero dinig ko ang pagpatak ng aking dugo sa sahig.

Isinulat ni: Philip Gaje
Photo Credit: shemazing.net

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A Gaze Through the Pain

I can still vividly remember his luscious smiles with braces on it and how it lightens up my gloomy face, those tantalizing eyes that means a lot whenever he stares at me, his snobbish attitude that attracts me even better, and those sweet gestures that made me fall for him even more. I shuddered in delight every time we’re together. I can feel the love and care in his arms, the joy that gave light to the dinginess of my life.

Those small talks we had always made my day complete. He gave meaning to my life and made feel complete amidst the numerous things I lack. I have learned to disregard my family. I seized every opportunity I had to be with even if it means disobeying my parents. It never
mattered what my parents would say, for I never listened. For me, what matters is the happiness I feel whenever I am with him, whenever I talk to him, whenever I laugh with him.

I was this stupid person who fell for a guy —the guy who showed me how love can be playful. I expected and assumed too much. He told me, he liked me, but I was just tricked by those sweet words and gestures of him. I was just played with and then thrown like a trash, saying “I don’t want you to expect too much”.

How will I not expect?

I was hurt; my heart was totally broken. The pain was too much to bear. It was uncontrollable. I did not know what to do. Because of too much pain, I let myself drown in liquor.

Soon enough, my body reached its limit. I can hardly breathe. I was trying to keep my eyes open as I was losing consciousness. All I can see is him standing in front of me.

I woke up at the hospital. As I opened my eyes there stood beside my bed are my parents. I am too ashamed to face them, to talk to them. All I can think about is how I disobeyed them, disappointed them, how I greatly destroyed their trust.

I’m still too immature. I promised myself that I’ll never fall to the wrong person again. I’ve learmed not to expect too much out of sweet words and gestures. I’ll never enter in a serious relationship unless I’m ready and mature enough to handle things.

Written by: Marydel Mitch Flores
Photo Credit: Mac Simbajon

I’m in love with the Ghost.

I know it may sound weird, but there’s a strange feeling inside of me, it’s so difficult to explain. I know you wouldn’t  believe me but I think I’m in love with someone uncommon and unseen. Scary right? Maybe you’re starting to think that I’m crazy. I guess I will have to tell you, since this makes you a bit curious. This is how I fell in love.

When I decided to live in a historic village of Macopa, I rented an old apartment. It was the only place I can afford, sad right? Well, I’d rather live in a place like that than to live in a place where no true friends are found. And so I want to provide myself a place where I can be at peace.

If a drug addict needs to be rehabilitated, well a broken hearted man, like me, also need time to be alone, to do some fixing in the mind and heart. It’s been 7 years since my heart broke, like a glass shattered into pieces. All the pain I’ve been through, I was fed up with lies and it’s impossible to bring back the trust that was once built strongly.

Finding myself alone in a four-cornered room, only then, I started to realize some things and slowly everything seemed clear to me now. Nevertheless, amidst of my loneliness in this solemn place. Suddenly, something supernatural happened. The place went colder and colder and I heard a sweet whisper but I’m sure I was alone.  

Was it a ghost? She often visits me at night when I’m asleep. I can sense her. She used to sing me lullabies . She does everything to make me feel I wasn’t alone. It startled me most of the time.

She never left me and that’s what I love about her. Though her presence was there, I was ignoring her. If only she was true and alive, I will never miss a chance to be with her.

By the time I leave this place, I will bring with me all the good memories I had with her. This is the reality that I will have to face but now is different, I am a better person now, I’ve learned to be strong and fearless. I’m gonna miss her so much. I love you.. Mom.  

Written by: Cladgedon M. Argawanon
Photo Credit: Mac Simbajon

The Bitter Truth: Why does everyone hate Valentine’s Day

Why does it seems like all single folks hate Valentine’s Day? Why does every time Valentine’s day is fast approaching you’ll hear a lot of rants from bitter people?  This seems to be a growing trend nowadays most especially to the younger generation. But I wonder what makes it different from any other occasions like Christmas, New year or Thanksgiving? Where in fact it’s just a day meant to bring you closer to your loved ones.

Valentine’s Day is actually a day of love but this is not only for couples. Instead of being a day of love, this has become a day for single folks to grumble about how frustrated and lonely they are.

First of all, there are actually a lot of reason to be happy of rather than being jealous or discouraged about celebrating Valentine’s Day as single. Single folks out there have absolutely no reason to be bitter on that day or any other day because you are indeed loved by your family and friends so better stop the pity party. You may not have a perfect Facebook or Instagram- worthy relationship but I know for sure you have your family and friends with you, who loves you better than the love you’re looking for.

Why not just think of all the things people in a relationships deal with every day. Would you enjoy ditching your friends for your significant other? Would you want to take a four hour fight just because you did not immediately reply on his/her message? Would you like the feeling the need to constantly attached to your phone so you can update someone’s every move? or would you just stay calm and wait for God’s perfect time because he’s still busy writing the best love story you’ve been yearning for?

There is more to life than to be in a relationship right now.  So, instead of posting rants on Facebook about your nonexistent love life which is actually yet to come, why not just celebrate Valentine’s Day to show to your family and friends how much they mean to you.

Self pity, frustrations and acrimony is not the right attitude that you should acquire. Beautiful things happen when you distant yourself form negative vibes, it wouldn’t help you anyway. Just surround yourself with happy thoughts and be happy for those people around you.

Rather than complaining about not having a date on valentine’s Day, just think of the element of social obligation to it that can cause a little stress to couples.

First, they need to buy gifts, make reservations then end up trying to enjoy meal at an overcrowded restaurant. While if you’re single, you have nothing to worry about. You could just enjoy watching your favorite TV shows or movies, you could just sit all day and enjoy your coffee while reading your favorite book.  There’s no sense in being upset about being single; it probably won’t last forever.

Complaining about being single shows that you’re placing too much of your happiness in being a relationship. Lewis once said “Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” Being bitter just because you’re single shows that you should learn to realign your priorities in life.

You should never rely your happiness on relationships, instead focus that happiness to Jesus. Keep your eyes on Jesus because he never lost sight of where he was headed. His love is greater than your junk.

You don’t need to rush things looking for a perfect match. Enjoy being single because when the perfect time comes you’ll surely miss everything about it. So, better not be bitter on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Think of the sweeter side rather than the bitter one. Time will surely come when you no longer need to worry about Valentine’s Day but for now, enjoy it and be happy for other people.

Win her heart back!

Nakakalungkot isipin na sa dami ng magagandang alaala na nabuo niyo bilang magkasintahan ay maglalaho, dahil lang sa isang pagkakamaling nagawa. Kung pwede lang sana gawin itong right minus wrong, para sa isang pagkakamali na nagawa ay isang magandang alaala ang mabubura. Pero walang ganun. Ang relasyon ay parang gusali at ang pundasyon naman nito ay tiwala (trust) sa isa’t isa. Kapag natibag ito, lahat ng mga pinaghirapan niyo at mga masasayang alaala ay masasama sa pagguho. Ano nga ba ang maaari kong gawin para maibalik ko ang nasira naming relasyon?

Una, patawarin mo muna sarili mo. Paano mo mapapatawad ng ibang tao kung ang sarili mo nga ay hindi mo kayang patawarin? Ito kasi ang isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit lumalayo ang isang tao sa kanilang kasintahan na kanilang nasaktan. Nakokonsensya sila sa kanilang nagawa at patuloy parin silang naninirahan sa past. Tandaan, Wag mo gawing hadlang ang nakalipas para ihinto mo ang nasayang niyong relasyon. Kung mahal mo talaga siya, gumawa ka ng paraan. Wag ka magmukmok diyan sa gilid na parang talunan. Laban kapatid!

Kung napatawad mo na ang iyong sarili, malamang ready ka na sa pangalawang hakbang. Ang pangalawang hakbang na kailangan mong gawin ay ligawan siya ulit. Pero ang pangliligaw na ito ay kailangan mo talagang paghirapan. Ibuhos mo ang lahat ng makakaya (effort) mo para ipakita mo sa kanya na mahal na mahal mo parin siya. Naalala mo yung sinabi ko na ang relasyon ay parang gusali? Kailangan mo ulit ito mabuo ng paunti-unti, hanggang sa bumalik ang dati niyang ganda.

Pangatlo. Normal lang yan na pagsungitan ka at mareject ka sa pagsuyo mo sa kanya. Kailangan mo lang ng mahabang pasensya. Kung may mga salita man siyang lagging sinasabi sayo, tulad ng- “Please, convince me more”, “Maghanap ka nalang ng iba mong lolokohin” at ito pa “Patunayan mo pa sakin kung talagang sincere ka, dahil ayaw ko nang masaktan”! Tama ba mga girls?

Pang-apat. Wag kang susuko! Kahit ano mang rejections ang ginagawa niya sayo, as long as wala pang nagpapasaya sa kanyang iba, laban lang ng laban! Wag mo hahayaan na masayang lahat ng effort mo at mawala ang taong mahal mo. Eto na ang tamang panahon para maipakita mo sa kanya na pinagsisihan mo na ang iyong maling nagawa. Huwag kang panghinaan ng loob, mahal ka parin niyan hindi niya lang masabi dahil kailangan pa niya ng proof at sapat na rason kung bakit niya ibabalik ang nasira niyang tiwala sayo. Be patient and time will come, Maipapanalo mo ulit siya.

Pang-lima. Oh ayan, lumambot na ang puso niya sayo at pinatawad ka na niya. Alam mo kung anong sunod? Ipagpatuloy mo lang ang pangliligaw sa kanya. Pagandahin nang pagandahin mo lang ang inyong relasyon. Panatiliin itong mainit dahil ang relasyon ay parang kape, kapag hindi na ito mainit, hindi na siya masarap inumin.

Pang-anim! Oo di pa ako tapos! Para iwas temptasyon at para mapanatilihing matibay ang pagmamahal niyo sa isa’t isa. Kailangan niyong ipagitna ang Panginoon sa inyong relasyon. Siya ang iyong magsisilbing gabay tungo sa maganda at masayang buhay.

Isinulat ni: Cladgedon Argawanon